It's funny, the mechanics of human emotion. If I were to write a paper explaining everything I was feeling, I guess I wouldn't know where to begin. I've never been a very organized person, I'll admit it. I'm equally unorganized with my thoughts. We all know we think about things, but how often do we really ponder about the things we avoid thinking about? How often do we stop and think about the things we do on impulse? I do so many things I don't mean to do. Even if it's just five minutes after doing something, I'll tell myself how big of an idiot I am. Then I cover it up. I will awful about something I did without thinking and I will literally go along with what I didn't mean to do. I have this habit of hiding everything. I purposely do whatever I can do to not feel anything I feel. I don't even mean to. I just do these things. I am such a very complex person. I can be so compassionate and tenderly caring. I can be the meanest, most blunt person. I can be so in love with the Lord, and then not pray for months. I can fall for someone, in the best way, and then be so ruthless and throw it all away just so I will not feel for that person. Yet, feel so loved when my cat comes and lays on me. Emotion. That word sticks in the back of my mind. The need to be needed, we all have it. I just want to know where does it end? I want it to be so simple, so easy. My favorite thing in the world is to be driving right before sunrise, so fast I could lose control, with every window open. It is so simple. It takes me away. Stars sparkling, clouds pink in the distance getting ready to grace us with another day. I want to be hole. I want to feel what I feel then all the time. I want to be okay being happy. My cat, Bella, just jumped into my lap. She just curled into a ball. She's safe. She knows she is loved and she embraces it. I want to need someone, yet, I know, and if you know me then you know, that I will not let myself. I push everyone away. I'll find the most insignificant thing to distance myself. I want to see the big picture. I want to see beyond everything before me. I want peace. I want justice for a tragedy that made me lose myself. I want to see the sunrise all over this world. I even want to save the penguins haha. I want people to see Amber, beyond the only layers visible. I want to be in love. I want to write a symphony. I want you to see me smile. I'm still God's little girl.
1 comment:
agreed. completely. i feel the same way. it's sometimes as if im in this fully outer body experience, and i can't exactly control the things i do, even though, at times, i don't want to do them. as if on impulse, i just do, ya know? oh yea...and i really like this blogspot thing. i was tired of the xanga thing...
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