Wrote this out of nowhere

Sometimes I get so consumed by all my emotions I forget what i am even feeling, or IF I am feeling at all. It's strange that something can happen like this. To be aware that you are not feeling something. Isn't that itself a feeling? So am I contradicting myself or is this sensation something tagible? I do not know the point in which I lost myself. I recollect and try to dismember every situation I have been in where something like this could have happened. No luck. I wonder if there is an invisible line, this barrier that can break after a certain amount of trauma. I could research it, sure, but I would rather know within myself what happened to me. I once said something about my previous best friend, "I have been searching for myself, but now I seem to find myself searching for you." This implies that I, indeed, was trying to find myse;d, and along the way came to the realization that I would never find what I was looking for. Which is why it was so easily distracted to find someone else. On the contrary, it first and formost meant I lost someone dear to me. When we lose someone, does something of such an extravegant force take hold on us? As in, LITERALLY, take part of us with them? You see, I have lose two best friends. Once in which passed away, tragically, and the other who simply faded. I have been pondering this a whole lot lately, "which is worse?" To lose someone because they have no choice, like death, or to lose someone because the chose not to be there? It all comes down to the choice. Death is permanent as long as we are on this earth. I believe in God and that he will save me in my despair. There is a point where we have to save outselves. I'm to this point. I know i cannot go one any further. I need to take a step back and look at my life as an outsider. I am not happy with who I am. I know, I know this with my whole existence, that I am a wonderful person. I am a God-fearing woman. So, with this being said, I take it that it is the path that I am on that I am not happy with. I am smarter than this. Where did I go wrong? Where did I lose myself? And is the choices I made the reason my best friend CHOSE not to be around? It all starts to make sense. Ah, Amber, you are smarter than you think. I did this. Everything is a choice, and I chose this. And it is something that must be accepted. I can change this though. If it is broken it can be fixed, right? Lets only hope so. "..Crying is the spirit that is dying within me, my consumed, aniliated self, so infinitly downcast, and so very much inoperable, and unable to let go of the past." -Amber Garton