I will never leave you, nor forsake you.

Right now, I feel like I am losing my best friend, one of them.
Two hours distance is bad enough, now shes going to be nine hours.
Shes going through so much right now thatI want to physically be there for her so much.
I wish my head wasn't hurting so bad from crying, then I could perfect a jumbled cluster of words that would describe how beautiful a friendship like ours is.
I have a hard time letting go.

I need a cigarette.

I feel like im 14 right now

I dont know HOW I found this kid, okay I do, BUT I dont know how i got lucky enough for the kid to even pay attention to me. He likes that im sarcastic, but not TOO sarcastic, which keeps me from losing reality. He's gorgeous. He likes who I am, and who I want to be. & I really want to be beter. I've been doing so awesome lately. Tyler is just depressing, there is nothing to do here. But I havent been drinking.
I havent kissed a boy in a while even. I just want to be who I used to be. I want the person i fall in love with to love every bit of me, even my mistakes for molding me into what i am now. I'm so scared never find love again. Seriously. Either way i have the most amazing friends to back me up. This is the second break down I have had this week. Amanda Marshall really got me, and tonight.. i just want to be perfect to someone.

Soul meets body

It's funny, the mechanics of human emotion. If I were to write a paper explaining everything I was feeling, I guess I wouldn't know where to begin. I've never been a very organized person, I'll admit it. I'm equally unorganized with my thoughts. We all know we think about things, but how often do we really ponder about the things we avoid thinking about? How often do we stop and think about the things we do on impulse? I do so many things I don't mean to do. Even if it's just five minutes after doing something, I'll tell myself how big of an idiot I am. Then I cover it up. I will awful about something I did without thinking and I will literally go along with what I didn't mean to do. I have this habit of hiding everything. I purposely do whatever I can do to not feel anything I feel. I don't even mean to. I just do these things. I am such a very complex person. I can be so compassionate and tenderly caring. I can be the meanest, most blunt person. I can be so in love with the Lord, and then not pray for months. I can fall for someone, in the best way, and then be so ruthless and throw it all away just so I will not feel for that person. Yet, feel so loved when my cat comes and lays on me. Emotion. That word sticks in the back of my mind. The need to be needed, we all have it. I just want to know where does it end? I want it to be so simple, so easy. My favorite thing in the world is to be driving right before sunrise, so fast I could lose control, with every window open. It is so simple. It takes me away. Stars sparkling, clouds pink in the distance getting ready to grace us with another day. I want to be hole. I want to feel what I feel then all the time. I want to be okay being happy. My cat, Bella, just jumped into my lap. She just curled into a ball. She's safe. She knows she is loved and she embraces it. I want to need someone, yet, I know, and if you know me then you know, that I will not let myself. I push everyone away. I'll find the most insignificant thing to distance myself. I want to see the big picture. I want to see beyond everything before me. I want peace. I want justice for a tragedy that made me lose myself. I want to see the sunrise all over this world. I even want to save the penguins haha. I want people to see Amber, beyond the only layers visible. I want to be in love. I want to write a symphony. I want you to see me smile. I'm still God's little girl.

Grey

It's all rainy and grey outside. Heard it's snowing in Dallas. I've never seen snow. I think it's going to keep sleeting & raining here. I didnt get much sleep last night. Ha, Shelle and Brandon were hogging the blasted bed. Butttttttttt i'm going to imagine ink today to see Crash and work on these damn tattoos :D I'm excited.

Being a canvas is interesting.

Explosion.

So, for those of you who were not aware of this being a horrible time of year for me, now you know. November 29 is a bad day in my past. In 2002 it was on a Friday. In 2004 it was on a rainy Monday. It also, ironically, happens to be one of my best friend Laurel's birthday. One of my other best friends died on that day, Scott Baker, in 2004. What happened on Nov. 29th in 2002 I'd rather leave unknown. Some people know. Some people do not. I'd rather them not. I'm not sure if i believe in bad luck or not, but I know this day is notttttttttt for me. Last night I really missed Scottie. Cried for the first time in a long time. I just realized some things never change. They cannot change. I cannot go back. I am okay most of the time. I have perfected the art of thinking. Atleast, the way I think. I can avoid thinking about anything I want. With the exception of one thing. I realized not even an hour ago, thats not something to always be proud of. Holding things in. Hiding. I'm a very happy, giddy, hyper, happy-go-lucky kind of person. We all have our ghosts though. I have a whole lot of anger within this tiny little body. I need a hobby. knitting. Yeah, I think i'll pick up on that. Well i'm off to play in this town I want out of so bad. January i'm moving to Austin,Texas & I cannot wait.

Wrote this out of nowhere

Sometimes I get so consumed by all my emotions I forget what i am even feeling, or IF I am feeling at all. It's strange that something can happen like this. To be aware that you are not feeling something. Isn't that itself a feeling? So am I contradicting myself or is this sensation something tagible? I do not know the point in which I lost myself. I recollect and try to dismember every situation I have been in where something like this could have happened. No luck. I wonder if there is an invisible line, this barrier that can break after a certain amount of trauma. I could research it, sure, but I would rather know within myself what happened to me. I once said something about my previous best friend, "I have been searching for myself, but now I seem to find myself searching for you." This implies that I, indeed, was trying to find myse;d, and along the way came to the realization that I would never find what I was looking for. Which is why it was so easily distracted to find someone else. On the contrary, it first and formost meant I lost someone dear to me. When we lose someone, does something of such an extravegant force take hold on us? As in, LITERALLY, take part of us with them? You see, I have lose two best friends. Once in which passed away, tragically, and the other who simply faded. I have been pondering this a whole lot lately, "which is worse?" To lose someone because they have no choice, like death, or to lose someone because the chose not to be there? It all comes down to the choice. Death is permanent as long as we are on this earth. I believe in God and that he will save me in my despair. There is a point where we have to save outselves. I'm to this point. I know i cannot go one any further. I need to take a step back and look at my life as an outsider. I am not happy with who I am. I know, I know this with my whole existence, that I am a wonderful person. I am a God-fearing woman. So, with this being said, I take it that it is the path that I am on that I am not happy with. I am smarter than this. Where did I go wrong? Where did I lose myself? And is the choices I made the reason my best friend CHOSE not to be around? It all starts to make sense. Ah, Amber, you are smarter than you think. I did this. Everything is a choice, and I chose this. And it is something that must be accepted. I can change this though. If it is broken it can be fixed, right? Lets only hope so. "..Crying is the spirit that is dying within me, my consumed, aniliated self, so infinitly downcast, and so very much inoperable, and unable to let go of the past." -Amber Garton

Right now...

I wish I knew how to bring my best friend back from the dead. Faded memories make things harder. You try to savor it all. Smells. Laughs. Crys. Fights. But you can't always remember every detail. I wish that I could. I'm thankful for the memories I had. Next wed will be 2 years. It hurts. But I'm only glad he can feel no pain anymore. I just want to be apart of it. It kind of felt good to cry. Just wish it could be different. Good night everyone. Love you all. Ambie